LESS OF A MAN PART TWO.....

Now I divided this into two parts for these particular reasons. One, because one blog entry can't hold all of my thoughts and two, I wanted to separate issues.

This issue, pertaining to my family. For me in particular, all my life, I have felt like an outsider looking in with my family. To usually recede myself from certain situations, to never...NEVER attend many events...to NEVER cry at funerals, to NEVER come to my mother for advice...to talk down to people...to be stingy...to be usually me, myself, and I 99.9% of the time. That I truly believe...makes me less of a man.

For me, a lot of it stems from my past experiences in regards to how I handled situations with my mother and sister. How when I was young, we never got along all the time and it even extends into now. Losing that male figure (my father) for most of my "childhood" going into "adulthood"...and even the one male figure I had...is no longer here today.

It is a bit wrong that for such a long time, I put friends before family...I don't know why I did it, maybe it was more of they related to me, where as I usually felt my family couldn't see my perspective, because...well..they weren't in my shoes.

I feel so ashamed, and so small with knowing that I don't come to my mom to talk about things that I go through, that a lot of what I do tell her, is so short in detail. I guess it's due to me being comfortable in my "skin" perhaps? In other words, I have gone through life...being to myself on a regular basis, being a loner, damn near anti-social. To where I hardly function in public, being looked at like I am strange, and to the point where I keep so many things bottled, that when it does come out, it explodes into this thick burst of anger.

That is when the fear occurs of me pushing people away...

And I so don't want that to happen with my mother.

But I guess when it comes down to it, the main reason why I don't tell my mother things is based on disappointment....with myself. Where I don't want to let her down, where she has done so much for me in my life, in keeping me grounded, off the streets, off drugs, off a bad path that I have seen so many people go through...I often fear one slip-up (failing a class, neglecting major responsibilities, slipping with the law, etc.) and that I would have felt as if I let her down, because I truly feel that she looks at me in a way that no other mother can perceive her son as. But truthfully, with me protecting what we do have, in the process, it's nearly destroying what we could have.

Some people may read this entry, and portray me as being "emo", some people may read this and perhaps sympatheize with me, but honestly, I have never felt this low and this shameful in my entire life. With 23 rushing through in a couple of days, like a train wreck waiting to happen, the line has to be drawn somewhere as to knowing what kind of connection I want to have with my family. I can only be an outsider in life for so long...and I'm a bit sick to death of it. I don't wanna end up like my friend Will, having disregarded everyone in my family, or pushing everyone away due to fucked up situations within the circle. Guess I got to change and grow up. Where to begin is the hard part, yet step by step, and day by day would make the process a bit more easier and comfortable. I have lost so many people in my life over the last several years physically....the last thing that I want is to disconnect myself from a woman that thinks of me in such a high regard...all due to feelings beyond my control. I love my mother to death...and I don't know what I would do, or if I would even want to live, if something happened. and that's the GOD-HONEST truth. I gotta treat her better...and I gotta change.