JUST WRITING

Yea, I mean there is a wide range of things that have been on my mind as of late, as I endure this process of writing for my next mixtape, Written In Blood 3. I mean, for the last couple days, I have realized that I have been writing nothing but downers, sad songs, excerpts of doubt, fear, and mental recklessness.

A lot of that has and had to do with me dealing. Dealing with the fact that the one person that I love more than myself, hates me for all eternity. Maybe not, but that is how everything is portrayed. A lot of things don't make sense. Not as to whether or not I regret the break up, because to an extent I don't and know that it was best for me. It's more of just, wondering what does she want from me? I mean I don't know of any other way I can possibly explain my side of the story, without receiving a backlash of doubt from her, and watch it roll in like a tsunami to destroy everything that is left of our relationship. The one thing that I hate more is when she says things such as her wishing that I would have done something terrible to her, to make the pain easier to deal with or let the hate for me grow immensely.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT???

It's like saying you wished that I cheated on her, or talked shit about her to everyone else, much like what all her friends and family did in regards to me, relaying that I wasn't good enough for her, or that I am gonna hurt her, or that I'm slime. Even when we were going through our shit, I defended her, and not one member of my family or any of my friends (well, except Krystle but she's an ass like that) had said she was wrong for me.

But its like I said before, when promises are made on a regular basis, and are never fulfilled, what do you expect? I would rather get myself together than to have so much self-hatred that I take it out on her, in which for a certain period I had. The thoughts of suicide or doing something terrible to myself lingered so many times during our first tenure, all 'cause I had never loved anyone like I did her, and that it drove me crazy that problems were unresolved.

I do NOT want to go down that path again.

But I apologized and I have tried making things right, but apparently she would rather I keep my distance and leave her alone, in which I understand, but at the same time, the fact that we can never be friends again, or she'd rather hate me for the rest of my life, kills me. I do NOT need another "Rhea" in my life, or an ex-girlfriend or friend in general that turns into an enemy. There's a part of me that wants to give up, but at the same time, there has been so many times that I have heard that from women or that I have said that myself.

I've managed to rectify relationships, with the exception of one (you know who) because they are at least rational enough to understand the flaws and plights of our situations and are not taking every second bashing me with complaints and "you coulda did this" or "you never cared about me" garbage. So does she mean what she says? I am not sure. From what it seems, she means it, but life is too short to hold grudges, or to feel anger. Although I can do the same, I hope she understands that as well. But I guess I'll never know, as I feel like I will always be looked at as a mistake in her eyes.



I guess, this time around, the reasons for making Written In Blood 3, is to sort through all of the emotions and make quality music, outside of the bullshit we been getting lately. Mixtapes have been key lately for breaking artists, or furthering their evergrowing popularity (Drake, Wale, Bobby Ray, J. Cole)...although too many can drive a wedge between genius and insanity (Gucci Mane, OJ Da Juiceman, Charles Hamilton, Max B). Me on the other hand, is me laying rest to the issues that have plagued my life and my music in the last couple months. I feel bad that I haven't taken this year to my advantage and made as much music as possible, but somehow that is all changing.

I plan on recording every week, Written In Blood 3 should be out my early to mid August, Hell Week (the first official album) will be out after that, and then I hope to have another EP out, where is nothing but relieving myself of the stressful vibes and have something out in time for the beginning of the semester and fall. You can say there will be more feel good music on there for a change. If only I can expose the horror first.