CLOSING A CHAPTER

Okay so a lot of you have been wondering as to how the hell I became single that "instantly". Received and made a lot of phonecalls and texts in regards to the entire situation. And yes, it's true. We are no longer together.

I can't necessarily say that the results stemmed from one general conflict. It came from a lot of things. One of them being the constant fighting. Every day and every week arguing, complaining, about the same general stuff, that we both said to each other, time and time again, that we could fix to better the relationship. Nothing worked, as we always kept resorting back to our own ways and moods. It's safe to say it was pride.

Also, on my behalf, dealing with the issues of being in a long-distance relationship and letting that coincide with my own "personal demons", not knowing what my future holds. For one, questioning whether or not I will EVER finish school, not being where I want to be with my career right now, and damaging relationships with people I care about the most (my family).

It just got to the point, where it was basically too much to handle for me. I begin questioning myself. Whether or not I was ready to handle a long distance relationship. Not being able to see each other everyday, the constant arguing, the need and want for the other to support what you do and for it to only get it halfway. I just felt, that perhaps....I wasn't ready as much as I thought it was...and those reoccuring emotions...led me to let her go.

Was it the right thing for me to do, naturally yes...but keep in mind, it's something that although I had to do for me, is something that I NEVER wanted to feel like I had to do. I wish she could understand the depth of my internal strife, but some things are just better left the way they are I suppose.

I don't ever want to regret nor forget the time that we did spend together, the tears I shed on her shoulder and vice versa, the emotions that stir when I look at her photos or read anything she says, or hear her voice, because she did make me look at both life and love in a different light.

I'm just at a point in my life, where right now, if I ever want to survive in both life and love, then I have to work on myself first, which means finishing school, going extra hard at my music and art, get closer to my family, since I never seem to tell them anything in regards to me. I don't know if yall can consider that selfish at all, but what good is it for me to destroy a relationship that I cherish if it is me who is feeling that I am the one causing the problems, because I can't handle what is going on in my life outside of the relationship. For that alone, I'm not willing to commit to ANYONE, until I MYSELF feel I'm ready to.

Right now, I just have to worry about me. But this girl is someone that I don't want to just become a distant memory. I hope that she can see it in her heart to forgive me for doing what I did. And not that I regret breaking up with her, because in my heart I know it was best for me, but I do regret, not putting enough effort for her to be loved, for not opening up more, for her to not see how much I loved her, as I defended her every single day I mentioned her name. And for that I deeply and sincerely apologize, and I just hope that if she does see me as a different person, it is because I am working hard on myself to change.

I hope one day, we can again have the kind of friendship we had before we became boyfriend/girlfriend, and that in her eyes I'm not an evil person in any way, shape, or form, and so I will give her as much time and space that she needs to deal. But it is like I said, I have to follow my heart and my life will go on. I just hope she understands someday.